It sucks. I may have to redefine something I've based pretty much my entire inner thought process on D: Ah, love, thou art a heartless bitch.

So, we all know I'm madly in love with Eric. Yes. I'm positive we've established that. What some may not know is that I've been in love with him for over two years. Yeah, seriously. Now, I've thought I've been in love before. Haven't we all? But then I met Eric and it was like.....idk, just....wow. Just the word "love" itself became obsolete. I knew then that love was something much much bigger than what I'd felt before. No, I realized, those were "crushes". This was love.

Ok, I didn't realize it at first. But there was definitely something special about him from the moment we met. Of course, I was too preoccupied with chasing this looker around to really pay much attention. Ironic. Then that looker turned out to be a jerk, surprise surprise, and I was down for quite a while. And then who should appear back in my life but Eric! He was so kind to me and such a sweetheart; so different from that bastard I was trying to get over. I think somewhere I knew that I loved him, but he didn't go to my school at the time and we only saw eachother for maybe 2 hours every Sunday night. And sometimes not even then. So, subconsciously, I tried to distance myself from him because I knew it would hurt to much to try to go after him.

And then there was a long long time where I just...didn't see him :/ He was too busy to go to youth group and a couple months went by without us seeing eachother. I started having a crush on his best friend who did go to my school, and for a while I was pretty happy. But every now and then I'd stop and think about this boy, not too long ago, who was just...special. And then one early July afternoon I got a call from a friend of mine, informing me that that guy I'd had a crush on had a girlfriend. Needless to say, I was not very happy to hear the news. I began to feel like nothing would ever work out right. I became depressed again.

Then July 21 came around. I was going on a mission trip with my church to Chillicothe, Ohio. And, at around 6 or so in the morning, standing in the cool, foggy church parking lot, guess who also happened to be going on the mission trip. Eric. I remember thinking "I wonder if this will be interesting..." And, by God, it was SO interesting. We ate, slept, and worked together for a straight four days and it was the greatest time of my life. That was when I finally was no longer afraid to admit to myself that I was in love. From then on, almost no man was hot in my eyes xD Except, as me and Alyson say, the "gods" (a.i. Bear Grylls and Jack Johnson....and Rob lol). But those are men who are unatainable, you know. Bear Grylls and Jack Johnson are celebrities who are in their 30s and have families. And Rob is 44 and also has a family.

So, naturally, that was what I defined as one of the indicators that you were in love, and not just like. AND I'VE FIRMLY, WHOLE-HEARTEDLY BELIEVED THAT UNTIL NOW. Just a few weeks ago, I started "noticing" one of my older brother's friends, named John. John is always at my house, as in, almost on a daily basis. He's kind of shy, but once he's comfortable is a really funny, sweet, cute guy. And he's an artist. And has a brain. BAM. So I slowly start realizing, aw shit, I think I like this guy. B-But how can that be? I mean sure, he's damn hot and all, but......I'm. in. love. It's against my belief to be in love AND like someone else!

So, here's the billion dollar question. Do I need to redefine my whole definition of love, OR does John fall under the category of one of the "gods"? He is 3 years older than me, and a senior, meaning he'll be leaving me next year.....but does that still fall under the category of "unatainable"? Even if he is leaving, it sounds like he wants to go to the same college as my brother, which is only a few hours away. So it's not like I'll never see him again. Then again, "wanting" to go and actually going are two different things..........I should probably get started on that 10 page paper/poster/memorizing 24 elements of the periodic table that are all due tomorrow.